…I hate waiting.

Today is my birthday and I feel so tired.  Yesterday just drained all the energy out of me and now I’m sitting on the couch trying to read and I feel like I’m going to fall asleep.  I had hoped that I would know some of the test results for Sjogren’s syndrome today but the doctor’s office called and said my thyroid was fine and they would call me back when the other results came in.

Crap.

That means I won’t know today, so more waiting.  The more I research this disease the more convinced I have it and that it most likely started showing up last year sometime. I can remember times when I had would wake up with white crud in my eyes, which was probably puss.  I went through some bouts of what I thought was an inner ear infection but now believe was actually my saliva glands under attack.  The spot behind my jaw and near my ear would itch like crazy.  I wonder if it was my body attacking my glands.  I can recount times when I experienced muscle weakness and I thought I might fall climbing the stairs.  For a few weeks, I dared not be on the stairs without my hand on the rail to catch myself.  I have also experienced numbness in my toes and fingers.  I thought it was simply me putting pressure on some joint wrong.  Then there were the elevated liver enzymes around the time I was diagnosed with cancer.   Since I had to have a hysterectomy we never did pursue what was causing those readings.   I’ve had bouts of brain fog all the way back to last summer where it affected my work and I needed to make a check list to make sure I was doing everything I was supposed to during my shift.

All of this leads me to believe that I probably have Sjogren’s syndrome and that scares the crap out of me.  Because what now?  How do I deal with this? What is going to happen to me?  What damage has already been done?  Will I ever feel like myself again?  I want to know this and so much more RIGHT NOW!  I don’t want to wait.

This is so much more frightening than Uterine Cancer.   That was an easy fix.  Take out an organ that I never planned on using in the first place.  This is incurable.  This is forever.  This can kill me while it slowly takes away my life.  Everything is so vulnerable and I want to fight but I don’t know where to begin and I am so. freaken. tired.  I wake up tired and achy.  I don’t like feeling this way.

This is why I am so glad I didn’t have kids!  I would have passed these defective genes onto them like my dad did to me.  At least this set ends with me.

I’m so conflicted right now.  I’m angry and scared and sad and confused.  Mainly angry, at least in this moment.  Why? Why is this happening?  It is everything I was afraid of my entire life only in a slightly different package.  I lived in fear of becoming a diabetic like my father.  Of having the same health struggles he did….

I don’t know if I am strong enough to face this.  I used to resent him for being weak but the truth is I’m just as bad.  I’m just as weak as he ever was.  I bury my head and the sand and don’t take care of myself just like he did.

I don’t know what to do and this is a pretty crappy way to feel on one’s birthday.  I just want to know.  Do I have it?  What happens next?  What all can go wrong?  Will this kill me?  What is it going to take away from me?

So I guess I have no choice but to wait… and hope.  Hope that it will be okay. Hope that I can manage this. Hope that I’m wrong and that I’m not actually sick even though I’m pretty sure I am…

 

Thanks for listening…

 

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