I feel like I’ve been waiting forever…

When I think about the fact that I was diagnosed just diagnosed with cancer on December 19, 2016 it feels so difficult to believe.  It was just a month ago tomorrow actually.  Wow.  Only one month when it feels like ages.  I must say again my diagnosis and surgery is happening fairly quickly compared to some but when you are waiting to begin your battle or even learn more that month can feel like an eternity.

I have been living with cancer for 30 days.  Okay, probably longer, but that is just surreal.  The first thought that went through my head was get it out.  I want it out right now before it has a chance to spread.  Then you start questioning every little ache and pain or hint of exhaustion you feel.  Is that the cancer?  What if it is spreading?  Do I feel okay? Am I dizzy?  Why am I bleeding?  It just goes on and on.

Then you don’t drop over dead.  You continue to live and actually feel alright.  You start taking better care of yourself, start taking your vitamins like you are supposed to.  You start feeling better than alright, you feel normal.  Yet others still treat you like you are a bomb that is about to explode….

I know right now, at this moment, I have cancer.  There are cells in my body that have mutated and would eventually kill me.  Yet I don’t feel sick.  I feel normal.  Of course, I haven’t started any sort of treatment yet.  My cancer cells don’t know I know about them and are just continuing along their existence growing and taking up more and more of my resources.  Hopefully, they haven’t sought out greener pastures in say my bladder or colon or taken a sight-seeing tour through my bloodstream or lymphatic system.  Hopefully, they are still contained in my uterus and when they remove that the party is over for them.  So sorry, not.

In six days I have my surgery and then there will be more waiting as they dissect and study my uterus to decide if I need more surgery or something like chemo or radiation.     Again, hopefully, I don’t.  Hopefully, my hysterectomy will make me cancer free.  A cancer survivor.  We won’t know for a few weeks yet and that is why I am so over this waiting.  I want to know now what stage I have, what further treatment I might need.

I’m not a patient person.  When I’m ready to deal with something I don’t want to wait.  This is perhaps one of the lessons that getting cancer is supposed to teach me.  That and to face my fear of doctors and tests.  Also, my need for control.  That will be a big lesson to learn.  Letting go of control and place my life and needs in the hands of strangers is not something that is easy for anyone.  Yet it must be done.

Okay, I’m not sure how much any of what I wrote made sense  I can tell my brain is a little foggy today.  Thanks for listening to me vent.  I’m sure I’ll be back and post before surgery at least once.  Thank you for all the support.  Amy


One thought on “6 Days Pre-Op

  1. Vent away. You sound brave in the face of something very scary. I’ve battled ovarian cysts and endometriosis since high school. I loved your post on childfree women. I wish you continued healing. Writing is such good medicine!


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