Regarding Children…

Let me state this up front before I offend a whole bunch of you.  If you lost your uterus and ability to have biological children to save your life but desperately wanted your own children you have my empathy.  It is totally unfair that you will not be able to have something in your life that was important to you.  I am sorry for your loss.

That being said it pisses me off just a little bit that we wrap up our entire existence as women on whether we have or do not have children.

Pisses. Me. Off.

So what brought this about?

Yesterday I was reading and watching posts about other women’s experiences with uterine cancer and hysterectomy.  I was looking for examples of what other women went through with surgery, recovery, and instant menopause.  I was steering clear of most of the truly graphic information, to avoid being scared out of my mind, but I wanted to know what sort of things to expect or that could happen.  Then I came to this one post.  This woman who was clearly and rightfully upset about her diagnosis and operation that was desperately trying to find some way to preserve her fertility.  My heart went out to her right up until I read one line.  Not sure the exact wording but she said something along the lines of ‘what is the point of even being married without children.’  She went on about how her marriage was now ruined because she could not have biological children with her husband.

Excuse me?

I closed the tab because I got pretty angry.  I understand she was upset and heartbroken over her predicament but to crap all over my life choice and marriage offended me, quite a bit.  I never wanted children, ever.  Never felt any clock ticking or maternal instinct toward anything that didn’t have four legs or feathers.  I knew I would not make a good mother and my husband was ambivalent either way.  He was not interested in the financial burden that children would bring and was perfectly fine with just being the two of us.  When people say the kind of crap that other woman did and totally devalue the marriage I have is insensitive and offensive to me.  My marriage is NOT LESS THAN any other because we do not have children.  My life is NOT LESS THAN any other because I never gave birth.  My existence as a woman is not defined by my reproductive organs!

Children are not what make a marriage.  Children can be a byproduct of a marriage or any other type of relationship for that matter.  You don’t need to be married to have children after all.  Commitment to spending your life with your partner is what makes a marriage.  In my opinion, if you are simply married to have children then what the hell are you going to do when they grow up and move on with their lives?  Who are you left with then?  Oh yeah, the person you married.  If more people realized that the most important relationship in a marriage is between the spouses and not between the parent and child then maybe more of them wouldn’t end in divorce.

It has ticked me off for some time now that my marriage is looked down upon by some in society as a failure because we didn’t reproduce.  It isn’t.  I love my life with my husband, hence, my desperation to save said life by having this hysterectomy.  We didn’t have the financial burden parents do, a lot less noise and worry too.  We can enjoy our lives together just fine without any offspring in the mix thank you very much.

Okay, I know I’ve gotten my nose in a snit over nothing.  After all neither of us have ever been pressured by family or friends to have children like some couples are.  We were lucky in that regards, others respected our decision.  Or we simply don’t have that many friends…  Anyway.  I kept thinking about what I read yesterday and could not get it out of my head.  I was offended and this is my place to vent so I vented.

Again, let me finish by saying how truly sorry I am for those that had their opportunity to create a biological family stolen from them.  I can not imagine how heartbreaking that was for you.  If you start disqualifying my marriage and childfree choice, however, then we are going to have issues.

 

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