Finding meaning in having cancer.

One of the things I struggle with as I ride this emotional rollercoaster I find myself on after diagnosis is the question, Why?

Why did this happen?

Why am I being punished?

Why now?

Why me?

Why?

The answer is probably far more complex than I can grasp and yet so simple it does not serve my diagnosis justice.

Why did this happen? Because.  Simply because it did.  I’m not being tested or punished or am guilty of anything.  It simply happened.  I developed cancer because a set of factors were met and my cells mutated.  Simple and as complex as that.  It happened.

Not very satisfying is it?  Our human tendency is to make more out of things than there is.  To dramatize. To seek justification. Having cancer is simply the hand I’ve been dealt.  Now it is up to me to play the cards I’m holding, to not give up and fight for my right to exist.

It is also my job to learn what I can from all of this.

Not going to go into all of my beliefs and those of you that know me might be surprised that I actually have beliefs.  You see I’m not a religious person.  I don’t attend church and I don’t believe in heaven or hell or the bible.  But I do believe in something.  I believe in reincarnation, that between lives we make a plan of experiences and lessons to learn in this existence in order to evolve our soul.  To grow.

I’ve often tried to consider what lessons and obstacles I set for myself in this life and think I have a few figured out.  Loss is one.  Loss of loved ones, loss of self, loss of weight.  Loss has been a central theme in my life.  I also think fear is another challenge I gave myself.  I struggle with fear and its crippling effects, often related to loss.  I’ve always been one that lets my fear dictate or paralyze me for far too long before I face the challenge.  I’m one that is perfectly happy to hide my head in the sand or self-medicate through food.  This time, however, I’m trying to not let the fear win.  I’m facing this battle and trying to stay pro-active. Of course, I haven’t gone in for that mammogram or mole check yet either…  Let’s get through the hysterectomy first shall we?

So before I go too far into a tangent let’s ask the question again. Why did this happen to me?  Why did I get cancer?  The answer: to learn from it.

Let the night come, before the fight’s won
Some might run against the test
But those that triumph, embrace the fight cause
Their fears then prove that courage exists
Hope

 

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