Tomorrow at this time I will be meeting with my doctor out in Iowa City.  I’m still scared but I’m also ready to become pro-active.  I’m tired of waiting, basically.  I don’t know when my surgery will be yet but I hope it is soon.  I don’t know what type of surgery I will have but I hope it is the least invasive as possible.  I’m not going to lie.  The surgery still scares me the most at this point.  After I get through that I imagine I’ll move on to a new worry.

I watched some YouTube testimonials about hysterectomy recovery last night.  That was a mistake.  It all started out innocent enough.  I wanted to see what other women packed for their stay in the hospital.  Then it quickly took a dark turn into videos I really shouldn’t have been watching.  Not that they had bad experiences or anything.  Most of them were recovering quite well.  It was looking at the hospital rooms and the tubes and the machines and talk about the surgery itself that sent me into a panic.  I need to get my head together about this.  I am going to have surgery.  I even want to have this surgery, logically speaking.  It is just my emotional side seems to be working overtime pointing out everything I find scary lately.  She needs to shut the hell up…

I continue to make plans.  Since some idiot put our only bathroom on the second floor of the house I’m going to invest in a little hot-pot so I can heat soup and eat other non-perishable foods while I am recovering.  That way if I need to stay on the top floor for a couple of days I can.  I do not want my husband taking extra time off work if he can help it.  I won’t be making money and we need the insurance from his job so I am going to make this work if I have to be home alone.  I’m sure there are other people who have to take care of themselves I can too.  I’m not going to push myself and do chores or something I’m not supposed to, but I will have a cell phone and I can call an ambulance if I need to.

Just a whole lot of uncertainty right now.  Not a lot I can control.  Both issues I don’t deal well with.  It doesn’t help that I was already dealing with a bit of depression.  I think I am going to ask one of my doctors or contact the insurance company to see about going into therapy.  I know that all of this is going to bring up a lot of crap about my parents and fears of death.  I need to have someone help me deal with all of that.

On a positive note, it looks like my work is going to work with me over this whole deal.  Not that I didn’t think they wouldn’t but I understand it does put a burden on them, being we are only two employees and all.  Still, it is a relief to know they are going to be understanding so good about my leave.  Doesn’t mean I want to be off work any longer than I have too.  I want to return to normal activities as soon as possible to move on with my life.

I’m actually looking forward to returning to normal.  A lot of how I’ve been feeling the past few month’s is starting to make sense now.  I think I’ve been gradually feeling worse and simply thought it was stress.  Maybe it wasn’t.  Maybe it was related to this diagnosis.  The past week has been a mixed bag of good and bad days.  I am getting tired early in the evening and find myself heading up to bed around 8:30.  Been doing that for a few weeks actually, now I know why.

I’m ready to get this show on the road.  The longer I wait the more time I have to think about everything.  I don’t want to rush into anything but I want to move forward.  I have been reading about second opinions but I don’t think I will be going that route.  I’m okay with losing my uterus, and I had an actual positive biopsy, they saw the cancer cells.  I don’t need any more evidence than that.  I want that uterus out and everything that could potentially cause problems in the future.  Instant menopause doesn’t sound like a lot of fun but as an alternative to death, I’ll take it.

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